Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
