Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
