Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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