i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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