don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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