So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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