Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
