I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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