I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
