I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
