Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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