She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
