I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
