I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
