I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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