Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
