Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
