seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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