I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
