I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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