i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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