I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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