how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
