i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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