Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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