Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
