He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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