On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
