I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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