Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
