Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
