Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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