Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Girls should come with a carfax report
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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