I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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