so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
