woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
