I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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