I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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