I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
