she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
