I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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