My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize