nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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