I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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