i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
