So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
