Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
