I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
