I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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