My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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