Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
