The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
