My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk