its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
