I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
