We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
