dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
In America we eat man semen.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
