On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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