I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
