I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
