keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
