I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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