I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
